Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Rocket Scientists vs. Web Designers

So I was talking to BK the other day and being the jerk that I am (it was also lunch and I was also hungry), I brought up my assertions of how just unimportant Web Designers are in the scheme of things.

"When the aliens come to invade us, the last people they'd want to kidnap are the web designers", said I.

He doesn't seem very impressed by my logic. And normally I'd be OK with that, since usually I'm more recognized by my rants than my acute rational, argumentative abilities. But this time, I took it personally. After all, this is my profession that we're talking about here - and I of all people should know how useless I really am compared to the non-retards in the world.

So what better way to argue for my case than to demonstrate an empirical comparative study, done in my own blog, self-supervised and guaranteed to be 100% correct by me alone. (I also received verbal support and approval by the UER group)

In this study, I shall bring forth a comparison of extremes - the Rocket Scientists versus the Web Designer, which is a pretty fair juxtaposition, I would say.

Category #1: Strength
- We all know from watching giant robot anime that rocket
scientists often used gigantic steel wrenches with bare hands to assemble their stock of terrifying, yet kick-ass missiles. On the other side, web designers here are frequently asked to perform the ardous task of lifting a finger or two during important meetings.

WINNER: Rocket Scientist
Category #2: Agility
- I quote from the annals of The Burly Rocketeer: "...and with great swiftness and agility did Butch unfastened his
tangled leather toolbelt to dive into Rosie's womanho..." (can't make out the rest amidst the stains)
Next I quote from the Preface to the UED Guide 2004 : "...when you see a Producer come in with a stack of project lists, don't even bother jumping over the table
to escape. Because c'mon, you know you'll never make it."

WINNER: Rocket Scientists
Category #3: Wisdom
- The rocket scientist chose a career that is filled with power and money - always being sought after by the richest nations to build missiles. The web designer chose a career that is filled with servitude and contractorship - always being sought after by grandmothers in Iowa to make logos for their eBay sites.

WINNER: Rocket Scientists
Category #4: Hot Chick Magnetism
- Rocket scientists' best pick up line: "Girl, I'd like to show you my missiles,
but they're all too big to fit in here." Web designers' best pick up line: "Hey baby, I sure wanna Render my Texture all over your Pallete...(btw, you're Web Safe, right?)"

WINNER: Rocket Scientists (deduct -1000 points from Web Designers >:( )
Category #5: Expertise in Photoshop Filters
- Rocket Scientists have no time to fiddle with puny artsy-fartsy software tools when they're designing possible weapons of mass destruction.

WINNER: Web Designer

FINAL SCORE: Rockets Scientists (4) vs. Web Designers (-999)
(I've never felt so puny but so right at the same time)

Friday, September 03, 2004

Conversations with T.S. (08/03/04)

ts: Do you really, secretly wish to be a WebDev?
me: :-?
ts: I can guarantee you that instead of spending hours deciding the topography of apathy, you will spend them in angst deciding how to implement 1+1 and make it = to 3.
me: aaaaargh
me: i know not the pain
ts: Are you optimistically pessimistic?
ts: Or has that condition changed?
me: I am uhhh....
ts: Filled with pathos?
me: well it is a blog after all
me: where everything is amplified
ts: is Ragnorak at hand?
me: Ragnarok is not yet at hand
ts: Then the end of days is not upon us.
me: although the Gotterdammerung might be just around the corner
ts: Götterdämmerung is but a German mistranslation of Ragnarok.
me: those Germans, I tell you
ts: But can anyone take solace in the fact that from the ashes of the old world, a new world will rise.
me: Sie zerstören immer andere people's Kulturen
me: when will that world arise
ts: that would be the pessimistic pessimist in you.
ts: That world will not arise before the old is burned with sheets of flame.
me: alas I've forgotten my pill today
me: are we armed with torches of inferno?
ts: Nay. Surt's fire will immolate the world as the final act to destroy the gods.
me: you do know that my wife's name is Surt, right?
ts: The prophecy is at hand.
ts: Now I feel the need to spend the rest of the evening listening to Wagner.

me: TS, I'm trusting you to yell at me if and when I get too negative
me: sometimes I don't know when to stop
ts: Why must I do that?

ts: You are your own keeper.
me: I don't trust my own judgment
ts: The decider of fates.
ts: But there is a difference. At the end of the day, when you leave, you always leave this place behind.
me: i'm not sure how to interpret that
ts: rather...you can distinguish between your obligations here, and the limits of that obligation.

ts: I do not have that luxury.
ts: Hence, you are more powerful than me.
me: pray tell, why not

ts: Would you choose to be Washizu, spurred on by prophecy and temptation to bring about change, by force; or, will you be Miki, suspicious and knowing, yet faithful and trusting...to an unfortunate end where circumstances spin out of your control?
me: i would be uhhh....
me: I would be Cluelessizu
ts: Beware of Akechi Mitsuhide, o noble Nobunaga.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Top 10 signs that you are a Visual Designer.

10. Your idea of a good time is trading Pantone color chips.
9. You secretly wish you can be a web developer to join in the fun.
8. Your favorite delicacies are whine and cheese.
7. Your career goal is to make it to Senior Designer II and get promoted to Assistant Interaction Designer.
6. You spent hours in deciding whether to render "APATHY" in Arial 13px or Verdana 10px bold.
5. The only time you ever speak up is when management refuses to upgrade your OSX.
4. You think that having access to the Image Pusher makes you an elite member of the company.
3. Your idea of a protest against producers is to sip your mocha cappuccino very, VERY loudly.
2. Your violin skills have improved since playing second fiddle to Interaction Designers.
1. You think your job is important.

How to Annoy Office Friends with Y! Messenger

It's 4:32 p.m. at work and you're bored. Too bored even to search for new pics of Lindsay Lohan's boobs. So now you're thinking, "Should I be working now? I would really like to be an over-achiever and please my high-powered superiors in a non-sexual-harrasment-sort-of-way"

Well my fellow lazy friends, I'd say to you - zip up your pants and let me introduce you to your new best fake friend - Yahoo! Instant Messenger. Y! Messenger is the perfect way to annoy friends and loved ones since it actually removes you the hassle and the courage of annoying them face-to-face. It's the perfect tool for the cowardly smartasses in all of us.

Speaking of cowardly smartasses, the many hours I spent using Y! Messenger have given me a few insights or two on how to maximize your potential Annoy-O-Meter. Here are a few tips for those jackass-wannabes:

#5. Ask to play a game and lose badly on purpose.
Losing might suck, but winning over a retard is doubly sucky. That's the general idea for this annoyance. Now that Y! Messenger has integrated some suite of Games, we can try out this devious tactic. Just pass on every single turn in Literati or scratch everytime in Pool.
(Note: this might actually backfire when used against a real retard, since s/he migth think s/he is actually the l33t.)

Once in a while you might want to actually play for real and give them a challenge. But this is just a ruse because right at the final rounds, you'll just stop playing altogether and deny them their hard-earned victory.

If they question later on, you could always go with, "Oh dude, I had to go home to tape Joey."

#4. Bombard friends with useless IMVs.
IMVironments- what was once the beacon of innovation in instant messaging has been expertly warped into a vessel of sales whoring. All is not lost however, since now we have a new use for the god-awful ones such as Old Navy, Cottonelle, Shark Tale,....heck there's too many good bad ones to name.

My running favorite at the moment is the Aliens v. Predator one - it has a deliciously annoying Buzz. There's nothing better than hearing a blood-curling xenomorph scream when you're pixel-pushing.

Now if only they'd bring back Yahoo! Fighter, things would be all-right and slightly less annoying.

#3. Anticipate or remember people's log-off times.
Normally you'd want to either catch people when they're the most busy or when they're getting ready to leave the hive. While it's a lot easier to annoy during the peak hours, getting them before they jet is significantly harder.

For this you must either develop a semi-precognitive sense of when your friends are most likely to log off or keep a detailed track of their log-times with something like
Y! Calendar, which will conveniently alert you via Y! Messenger to start the annoyance.

Hmmm...I never knew that Yahoo! offers so much annoying tools!

#2. Communicate solely via non-sensical and abrasive smileys.
Smileys are a good form of self-expression. By why stop there when you can use it to bewilder and even piss off your cherished friends? Here's a scenario to illustrate the annoying usage of smileys:

FRIEND: Hey man, u still have those Giants tickets?




FRIEND: What..?


FRIEND: ...you're being an asshole again aren't you


(FRIEND removes YOU from Friend's List)

#1. Do not be fooled by "Idle" or "Offline"
Never, ever ever believe that your friend is "Idle" or "Offline" even if their status sez so. See the geniuses at Yahoo! have come up with this bizzare feature where you can selectively turn off your online presence. FUCK!!

Because of this fascist option, your potential annoyingness are in danger of not being annoying. To counter this communist tactic, you should always assume that those Offline friends are merely hiding themselves away from you, perhaps from past annoyances.

This brings us to The Broken Cog's Lesson Of the Day:
Never believe what the Machine displays.
Just ping away to your annoying heart's content. After all they'll get the Offline Messages sooner or later.

If you follow these steps dilligently, I will assure you that people will want to avoid you for reasons other than your body odor. At the end of the day, friendships might be severed, marriages might dissolve, children might get disowned but at least you'll get a few laughs at the office.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Starting the Machine

I remember that as a young boy growing up in Harlem, I was always constantly in the habit of getting left behind. When the other fat kids beat up an even fatter kid, I was still busy kicking the tar out of the old grandmothers with my pirated Nintendo Super Scope. Funny how things in life repeats again. And again.

Here I am now at a time when my other cool n3rd friends have already jumped on the blogging bandwagon, long before Cher turned legal. To be fair though, I did try my hand at
blogging - although I guess a sardonic, mockery of a blog doesn't really count.

I can't say that I'm doing this to let the other dorks in the world know what I'm feeling/thinking - because let's face it, self-expression is stupid. Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate a good whining or two, but that's it.

Actually it's the whining and complaining that got me here. See, I know this dude at work who has an orange looking blog - he keeps telling me to start my own whining and complaining blog. I don't know why, but this guy sounds like genius. And even I know that I should listen to geniuses. And I guess ranting is a personal, treasured hobby of mine. Especially ranting about work. Oh, those hellish, ego-crushing hours sitting on your ass at work days can truly motivate a person, even a bitter and cynical asshole like me.

So yeah, I guess it's time to put down the mangled Super Scope and join in crushing other people's optimism with stories and fables of how liberating bending over for The Man could be.

Or this could all just last for a week till I get fired.

Or promoted.

At this point, I can't tell the difference.